Started with cartsurfing.
Turns out there ain't that much to do when you're working mall security. Most of the time you just walk around so the boss doesn't get pissed, then spend the rest of the day fucking around to kill the boredom. So me and Dave got parking lot patrol in the golfcart. So we headed into one of the parking structures - the one with two closed upper floors that only got opened for Christmas, and started cartsurfing.
Cartsurfing is pretty much exactly what you'd expect it to be. It involved one of us dumb bastards standing in the bed in the back of the cart (which was a solid two feet higher than the seats) while the other hauled ass from the top of the structure downwards. Get going fast enough, and you could even drift around corners where the concrete was smooth.
Things got complicated for two reasons. First, this was surfing. Surfers didn't get to hold onto anything to stay standing up. So neither did we. Second, both me and Dave were over six feet in height - the structure was about 7 and a half feet tall in some places. Little taller in some. Little lower in others. Bed of the cart was about 3 feet off the ground. Meant you rode in a crouch which made balance a bitch. Says a lot that the most entertaining thing we could come up with involved risking gross physical trauma in a filthy, disused parking structure.
I'd just finished a run driving Dave down the ramps as fast as I could get the cart rolling. Came close to flipping the fucking thing coming around a corner and we were both laughing our asses off. Earl put in a call over the radio about a "verbal disturbance" which pretty much everyone ignored, including us. I lit a cigarette and leaned up against the wall. I remember the conversation pretty clearly.
"So Gilbs." Dave says.
"So Cox." I say.
"How much you smoke?"
"Enough."
He laughed and I finished my coffee and Earl made another call. TJ finally answered it and asked Earl if he wanted backup. When there wasn't any reply, he dispatched me and Dave to go check up on him. So we hop in the cart and take off.
Roll up and witness one of the more pathetic fights I'd break up in my career. A man ought never slap in a fight - it's undignified. Earl had dropped his radio and was preparing himself to dive into the pair of grown men having an actual swear-to-god slapfight in front of the Radioshack. Both of them were old enough to be my father and they were both heaving and panting and gasping out fighting words like "*huff* mother *puff* fucker".
Like I said. Pretty sad.
So we convince Earl to slow up a bit. Me and David will grab one a piece, and Earl'll slip in the middle to get them seperate. This all goes to plan as I grab the suprisingly feisty fat half of the fight, while Dave snags the more sedate skinny, crying dude. Earl, instead of stepping in, takes out his mace.
"Earl," I say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
"STOP RESISTING" Earl bellows at the bowl of jello I'm trying to hold back.
Fat dude is filled with porcine rage but I figure I can hold him till he calms down but Earl has his mace out and is pointing it porky and myself.
"Earl, don't you fucking shoot." I say, but he does. Line of the shit cracks out and misses Porky entirely and catches me full in the face.
"FUCK" I scream. Because really, that summed it up. Felt like my eyeballs were on fire and that Lucifer himself was doing his best to fuck my sinuses with a magma vibrator. I held tight to the guy who calmed right the fuck down as soon as I got pissed.
Around then TJ and Carnell roll up and it's take-no-fucking-prisoners time. Both porky and his friend get cuffed. They get sat on the bench just outside our office and I sit down to try to rinse the shit off of my face. Just around the time my vision is clearing I can see the skinny guy is still crying.
"Fuck are you crying about?"
"I got in a fight with my friend!" He sniffs. "You're crying too."
"Buddy, I just sucked down a few ounces of tear gas. I think I've got the better fucking excuse."
I got the rest of the night off. Went home and showered and got stoned with my roomies playing grand theft auto.
Earl never said a word about the whole thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment