I think I came back to this period in my life because I was the first time I ever felt the axis of the world shift beneath my feet. First time I ever did something I've regretted and been happy about at the same time. First time I said something that could never be taken back. First part of my life I'd call an era defined by the presence of another person. She was the first of two.
Lisa shaped me, more than anyone I've ever been with. I was louder before Lisa. I argued. Said the first thing that came to mind. I loved her but god help me sometimes when we fought I genuinely wanted to hurt her. Thought of that scared me then and scares me now. I wish I could say I've never struck another person in anger but I have and I ain't proud of it. Thought of doing that to someone I love turns my stomach, but it doesn't change the fact that I came closer than I might have liked.
So I'm careful. I haven't laid a hand on another person in anger in going on four years now. If life treats me right, I never will again.
But I did hurt her. I said things, see. Said them knowing they'd hurt, and for the same reason. Memory of that changed me. I avoided arguments. Maybe some I should have stood my ground on, but I'd start in and I'd feel that red coming on me and I'd stop because I was going to say something I'd regret.
So I didn't say anything.
I guess the reason I chose to write about Lisa is that she changed me. She made me a different person. For awhile, I thought maybe I was a better person, but I wasn't. Just different. How I found that out is another story.
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